Tag: advice

On motherhood and bravery

deep fragile grace6 Comments

I want to tell her.

I want to tell her to keep that grace, that bravery, that ROAR-ing she does, at the entrance of a dark room, the one she does at this small, tender age, in order to scare out all of the supposed monsters in her room.

I want to tell her to keep it, the independence, this solving-your-own-problems, while not forgetting about the beauty in growing in God, in leaning in Him and on others.

That’s no small indignity, to ask for help when you need it.

That you can’t always depend on just yourself, I want to whisper in her ear.

But then again I want to tell here that there are some days that life is all about pulling up your own bootstraps, corralling your own painted pony instead of waiting on a prince on a white horse to come rescue you, that some days, it’s all up to you to get something done or taken care of.

But most days, it’s about the leaning in, the community.

There are so many things I want to warn her about with this as well.

That community and people are a double-edged sword; that the one who loves you the most can also be the one that hurts you the most, cuts the deepest.

That the one you don’t like or haven’t too high an opinion of is the one that you actually ending up trying to impress, for no real reason at all, except for your own ego.

I want to tell her that sometimes, people are mean, hurtful, unkind and uncaring.

I want to warn her of this, to humble her easy-going nature, lest someone takes advantage of her and her kindness.

But I don’t, not yet.

I give parent-y warnings, motherly advice because although I know all of these things to be true about humankind, I also know humankind to be kind, caring, accepting, peaceful, and full of grace and mercy when you least expect it.

That some days, it seems as if the kindness of humanity even surprises the most cynical of all of us.

So, then, how do you explain this tug of war with humanity, this handling of a knife that cuts on both ends? How on earth to try to explain to someone how exactly to hold that, I wonder.

Sometimes, you don’t have to. Some days the knife falls unaware, from some side kitchen cabinet you never saw there, razor-sharp and maims everything in its fall.

And some days that knife cuts into the darkness, pierces into the tenderness of you, the light, so much so that you feel it’s saved your own soul from becoming too dark and crowded. And you wonder how on earth you could be so defensive and full of self-safety when you’ve just witness an action so deep, so transforming, so kind? Just how?

How do you explain that to your child?

So I sit here and wonder and ponder in the quiet, hands running far too many times over the roundness of the coffee mug to count, way too many times to justify this confusing piece of writing, of advice I’m trying to give.

So, I try to explain, to teach the way I know how, the way I handle most things in life:  Stumble through.  Be truthful, don’t try and protect too much, because in the end, that’s more of a disservice to her and her generation than believing in fairy tales.

She needs tools, not tales.  Sound advice and authentic stories, not outlandish fantasy or cold, bitter, hard truths that give no hope for the future.

So I fervently, quietly and consciously tell her real truths and authentic stories and all the while, pray.

I pray fervently, passionately that she continues to be the one, the strong one, the one that maybe, leads the other afraid ones to yell at the monsters in the dark, hold hands, clasped tightly and woven close to each other and to God.

I pray for her eyes to see and her ears to hear, eyes that are not clouded by hurt or pain or ego, but eyes that can see straight to the heart of things, with compassion and grace and what takes a little bit of bravery to see people as they are.

I pray she hears clearly, the ills of the world, and tries to help, instead of turning up the comfort, the activities and the iTunes louder so as to drown out the suffering of the world.

Mostly, I pray, I pray, I pray.

And some days, I pray for my bravery too, in leading her.

Advertisements

For when you need mothering

deep fragile grace2 Comments

So, a couple of new posts lately. It’s only taken me an eon, but that’s a story for another time.

First, the latest one is the one directly above this one, the one that talks about grief and pain and love, how love ultimately wins.  And yes it does, and it will, I promise.

And then here is this.  This is sort of a quilt of a post-knit together for my need to be mothered by words, as if somehow, by writing them down it becomes my truth and a binding statement for my life.  I’ve woven it together with some advice I’ve written for my child.

I’ve pulled these from a long, long Word doc of advice that I want to share with my child, and in editing it the other day I found it calming and reassuring in this incredible mess of pain and grief I’m in. It was comforting to read these words as if they were indeed truth, which they are.  My truth.  And my challenge to live them.

So, when you need to read about grief and how love overcomes everything, read the post above this one.  And when you need mothering, need a warm blanket around you and someone to affirm to you that yes, it’s going to be alright, read below.  And as always, hope you enjoy.

Mother’s Little Almanac about Life

-Don’t go it alone.  Life is best with others.  Sure you need to know how to be alone and stand on your own two feet, but don’t be an island; engage with others, be a friend, be giving.  Life is so much better spent in the company of others.

-Life isn’t about extremes nor is it about playing it safe.  Life, well lived, is somewhere in the middle of these two ideas.

-Just because your life is different than other’s does not mean that your life is lesser.

This is a key point to remember throughout adolescence and adulthood.

-Your life (and attitude) is mostly what you make it.  God plays a huge role, but more or less, if you want to be happy, that’s your call.  You can have all the opportunities in the world and God’s blessings, but if you have a sour attitude, you could miss it all.

Your attitude is your choice, and a potent, heady choice that flavors every experience in life, so chose wisely.

-Your father and I have never (and never will) stopped loving you.

No matter what.

-Say ‘I’m sorry’ more times than you are comfortable with.

Likewise, ‘I love you’.

-Sometimes the very things you don’t have time to do (pray, take time for yourself, have fun) to do the very things you need to do in order to get through the un-fun stiff like errands, chores, etc.

-Always be as polite as you can.  You never know what someone else is going through, and you may be the only person that treated him or her with respect all day.

-Listen.  It’s amazing what people will tell you (mostly non-verbal, non-directly) if you just give them your full attention.

-Listen to your feelings, your intuition, your gut.  This is your inner compass that guides you through life.

-Be yourself.  Be yourself always and make sure you are always true to yourself…you are the only one who can stand up for you.

-Be a class act.  Be the best version of you, and one-of-a-kind.

-Faith.  When in doubt, faith.  When in trouble, faith.  When in happiness, faith.

Faith should be the cornerstone of your life, and your compass to guide you through all the times and seasons of your life-be it good or bad.

-Be honest. Be kind, be truthful.  If I could only instill three things in you, I would choose these.  That and, be happy.  Love much, to excess, and be safe.  Choose a safe career and safe hobbies for your mother.  I don’t need a heart attack because you decided to take up skydiving.

-Dance, sing, do art, write.  Do something everyday to express yourself, even if it’s only be-bopping in your car to the radio.

-The happiest people don’t have the best of everything.  They are content with what they have.  Society spends so much time, effort and money trying to be happy.  Which is so much money; time and effort just in vain to be content.  Contentedness is under-rated and under-valued.  Keep reaching for the stars, and having goals, but remember to be content along the way, to enjoy where you are at in the process, in the change, in the goal, in life.

-Speak up for the little people.  Speak up for the ones who don’t have voices, or have been so wounded by life that they have lost their will to speak up.

–God is always bigger than your pain or suffering or problems.  Always.

So is love, and so is your parent’s love.  There is more love in the world than you think.  Always.

-Sometimes we as parents get so concerned with protecting you from pain, suffering, life, etc that we end up actually causing more pain and suffering.  Please know that we never do anything purposefully to hurt you.  We always want to very best for you, and try as we might, sometimes we trip and stumble over ourselves and our own problems that sometimes our love for you is lost in translation.  But here it now: I love you, and have always loved you.

-Remember, your example, your character either draws others closer to Christ or pulls them further away.

-Life is way more than pretty clothes and spectacular events and famous people.

I promise.

–Remember that your mother gave you life so you can live it.

Don’t live in fear. Don’t live in denial; don’t live in a box of safety.

Just live.

–Be kind.  Serve others.  Listen.  Know yourself.

-Do little things well.

-My hope for you is that you always know your worth, that you were created for awesome things; that you are very, very precious to us and to God.

-There will be about 5 to 7 big things to fight for in this life.  People, causes, issues…know that you may be only one person fighting, doing something, but that is still more than one person doing nothing.  Doing nothing is still a decision.  Fight.  Fight for whatever you believe in; for the basic rights of humankind and animals.

And know that while there are 5 to 7 big things to fight for, there are at least 1700 small things to fight for too.

-You deserve the luxury of downtime, away from technology and constant chatter, visual and auditory clutter, you deserve, you have the right, to unplug, every day for at least an hour.   We will do things during your teen years that I imagine will make you cringe because we are adamant about safeguarding your downtime, your time to think and process and dream, but it’s all to help you, to protect you.

-You deserve the right to: see the potency and beauty of a sunrise; the peace and settling of the sunset; the perfect detail of a spider’s web, the natural music of birds chirping and rabbits scurrying.  You deserve this; to be present in the natural world; to experience things that I did…. fight for every right to safeguard the ecology, environment and animals.  God made them, not man, so they deserve to be here as much as we do.

-Being cool is highly overrated.  Being responsible, caring and dependable, always with a kind word of encouragement is far from being cool, but it is what I hope you remember about me.  No, I probably won’t be cool to you, but at least you can say I was always there for you.

-Let faith, family and a sense of purpose be the foundations of your life, and make sure you have fun along the way, too.

-The family is also an endangered species…lost to cell phones, wi-fi, the illusion of being connected while seeming to me sometimes, being the most disconnected generation on earth.  Fight against the family extinction  (and remember, families come in all shapes and sizes) with all you have.  I know I am.

-Manners.  I cannot tell you how much manners make a difference.  Use them.  All of them.

-Bad things happen to good people.  Likewise, sometimes it seems that nothing but good things happen to bad people.  I know how hard this is to digest, this little unfair fact about life-I know how hard this is to get.  But hang in there, be kind, be a good person, despite whatever happens.  It’s worth it.

-People can be intentionally mean, petty, selfish and insensitive.  It’s sadly true.

But, the key is not to return that to them-most of the people who are that way didn’t start that way; they all were born happy babies, who, somewhere along the way got hurt, bruised by life and/or circumstances they couldn’t control.  Just remember that whenever dealing with any of these people.

–A lot of life is being open; is being vulnerable, of being afraid and yet being trusting. And half of life is trying not be bitter, angry, hurt; of walking around with a scarred heart on your sleeve.  Know when you are getting this way about things, and turn it over; turn over a new leaf, turn it over to God.  Refuse to be one of the ones walking through life hurt, scarred and scared.

-Some days it’s going to seem like your life is held together by nothing but safety pins and paper clips….don’t worry; that’s not a new thing.  Everybody feels that way sometimes.

-Life is not fair.  Not now, not ever.

People get away with things they shouldn’t; criminals don’t get caught, businesses and huge companies scam people out of money.

In a phrase, shit happens.  But, it’s not up to you to make it fair, to retaliate, to make sure that all the injustices of the world get figured out…. you’re not Atlas, holding up the world on your shoulders, nor are you God.  You should do what you feel called to do (help the homeless, rescue animals from abused homes, provide comfort and support to a lonely friend, are all good examples), but the rest, dear child, is up to God.  Leave the big stuff (and all the stuff) with Him.

-A lot of life is simply not knowing, and reacting and planning in the instance that one day, life is going to handle you something devastating that you never predicted, and in the same token, life will also hand you something devastatingly beautiful that you will have never predicted.

-If life was perfect, there would be no stories to tell; likewise, there would be no great, intense beauty and color after the rain….life is all about contrast and context.

-Let God be your God of Everything, not just the small stuff you trust Him with.

-Another thing to remember: ‘The price of inaction is far greater than the cost of making a mistake’ -Meister Eckhart

-Life is a lot about finding your sea legs.  And mostly, you don’t find your sea legs until you step off of the boat and leave the safe harbor.

-Life is a lot about not knowing, but making your best guess.  A lot of the people that you think really ‘have it all together’ really are just good guessers.  Remember that.

-Everybody’s family is crazy.  Remember this when dating-if they appear to perfect, there may be a lot of skeletons in the closet, or, they may be certifiable.

The sanest family is aware of what exact type of crazy that they are.

-When in doubt, trust your gut and trust your God.

-Chose your friends wisely and carefully.

-Life is full of so many moments that you might miss if you don’t pay attention, aren’t invested or engaged in it.  Pay attention.  Close attention.

And pick up a camera; pick up a pen, something to document the really lovely ones.

-Help the poor, feed the hungry, love the unlovable, be a good, caring person.

Heart matters just as much as smarts.

-Be mindful, be present, and be disciplined in caring for yourself and your needs.

-Remember that no matter what, God is with you.  No matter what.

Even if you travel down the wrong path, He is always there, to guide you and protect you and help you get back to Him.

–Believe in miracles.

-Ask questions.

-Don’t be afraid to get involved or take action.

-Love people with complete intensity and utter foolishness.