Because we all need a diet that can work with our lifestyle. And a little humor in the midst of upcoming Swimsuit Season as well.
The Mom Diet
Also known as how to keep you at a consistent, constant weight!
Note: Start on a Monday.
Breakfast: Coffee with cream
That one last yogurt that’s left in the fridge
Lunch: Pure, untouched pb and j sandwich crusts
3 leftover goldfish
Dinner: Sweet potatoes and grilled chicken.
Eat three portions, because, rebellion from the troops about eating food that’s “good for us.”
Exercise: Loudly encouraging eating our dinner that’s “good for us.”
A square of stashed chocolate. Before 9am.
Lunch: The soup no one wanted to eat.
Cast off vegetables from last night.
Raisins for snack and mostly dinner too, since you’re overdue for the grocery store.
Taming the beasts who do not want to eat leftovers
Bathing the children who do not want to be bathed
Leftover party favor cookie from kid birthday party last weekend
At the store, hit up the samples: Shot glass cup of a new Dorito flavor, yogurt raisins from purse, and a communion cup’s worth of the new overtly marketed Orange Berry organic juice from the sample man at Kroger.
Dinner: the piece of pizza that fell on the floor.
The salad that was declared too many “soggy leaves”
Wine. Lots of wine.
Exercise: Running after children at park
Breakfast: Coffee and wine regret
Lunch: Turkey cheese rollups, air popped popcorn, mini baby carrots, and gummis.
More or less, your toddler’s lunch. That he more or less did not eat. Because of all the vivid, healthy colors.
Snack: Sand in the face from the afternoon trip to the park.
Dinner: Spaghetti squash casserole that you loved. And lovingly ate.
While everyone took tiny bits and drank at least three cups of milk (or beer) instead.
Exercise: “dancing” at the library story time hour
Breakfast: Coffee. Mad rush out the door for drop-off, so no time for breakfast.
Lunch: Mini kid food, from tiny tray at Big Kid’s cafeteria, and tinier chair to sit on. This is good. This overweight elf feeling could work to your advantage to remind you to lose some weight!
Snack: Home-baked cookies for everyone!
Dinner: Breakfast for dinner. Since you didn’t have any breakfast earlier. And don’t have to cook.
Breakfast: Oatmeal and berries. Green tea and virtue.
Lunch: Picinic in the park. Your own sandwich, chips, and mini carrots. Plus everyone else’s sandwich crusts, carrots. Juice box.
Snack: None. Forgot to bring snack to GS troop function.
Your daughter’s disappointed and has a mad scowl. That may last a lifetime. Or at least a solid two weeks.
Dinner: Random assortment of mini-appetizers and desserts from two separate birthday/celebration parties.
Breakfast: Husband wakes up, makes coffee, wrangles children and flips pancakes.
Joy, divine joy and hot coffee for breakfast.
Lunch: Sunday dinner at in-laws. YES. ALL the things. Including ROLLS.
Snack: Half of the chocolate bar no one knows about.
Dinner: French meal. Or, grapes, bread with butter, and several cheese selections.
Recipe also called Don’t Have Enough Energy to Cook Tonight.
Net weight gain/loss: Lose 7lbs
Breakfast: Green tea and oatmeal.
Then coffee. And chocolate.
Lunch: Cottage cheese, banana and coffee.
Snack: Chips. Whoops.
Dinner: Half drive-thru, half homemade: One burger, two mini bags of mini carrots, one (and a half of the toddler’s) French fries. Gummis.
Exercise: Running late to soccer practice.
A leftover mini quiche that no one but you loved.
Lunch: One piece of cheese, a handful of spinach leaves and other assorted rejected sandwich parts. The second half of a banana.
Snack: Chocolate. In the guest bathroom so no one hears you and/or makes a comment about it.
Dinner: The Good Mother special: Grilled chicken, peas and salad.
Exercise: Running after the kid that wanted to run away from the park.
Breakfast: Coffee. Lots of coffee.
Last crumbly bits of Cheerios, and milk dregs.
Lunch: Out. Can’t remember if you ate lunch at home, so soup, salad and sandwich while you’re out (glorious!) and the sitter is watching the little one.
Dinner: Pork chops, mac and cheese, squash.
Eat pork chops, miss out on the mac and cheese since kids ate all of it. Eat squash to your heart’s content. Because it was rejected as “part of dinner.”
Exercise: The gym. Finally.
Breakfast: The hot water heater broke, the kids are a cranky mess and “we” forgot a science project and a book report. Special Coffee Day, a la Venti Mocha Frappucino with whip on the top yes, and a cake pop.
Lunch: Crackers and cheese with cranky toddler.
Snack: Cheetos with a side of wood chips in the park.
Dinner: Various casserole samples and dessert from Bible Study.
Exercise: The heart quickening exercise of stress, and then bigger stress of trying to let the stress go.
Donuts on the way home from drop-off.
Lunch: Turkey roll up and fruit.
Snack: Smoothies and errands in the car.
Dinner: Who cares? Date night! Out of the house! Drinks! Dessert!
Breakfast: Hangover, so coffee. And buttery IHOP deliciousness for everyone else.
Late lunch: Scrap of pizza, half an orange and the cupcake bottom from soccer team party.
Dinner: Your weight in flour and cheese products from the local Italian place in town.
Exercise: Reviewing the estimate for replacing the hot water heater, followed by fainting.
Breakfast: Coffee. Random, non-chocolate chip granola bar shoved in mouth while herding children into car.
Lunch: Baked potatoes and fruit.
Snack: Sundae on a Sunday.
Dinner: Lasagna and garlic bread, just enough time to fling in the oven before the whole bedtime/bath routine/debates start.
Exercise: Getting everyone to church on time, so sweating and yelling .
Net weight gain/loss: Gain 11lbs
Breakfast: Coffee. Toast crusts for breakfast accompanied by a shot glass of milk since apparently you’re out of clean dishes, milk and apparently, anything resembling a proper meal with real portion sizes.
Lunch: The all-organic vegetable dish that was made just for the little one. Who didn’t eat it all.
Dinner: Coffee and sighs while the kids argue it out about if they would rather have to eat snot or ear wax for dinner. Daydreams of another date night soon with dining room buzz so loud you can’t hear anyone else’s conversation. And especially not conversations about ear wax.
Exercise: Running to the car to get into the carpool lane on time.
Breakfast: Coffee and the half of a banana deemed “too yucky.”
Lunch: Well-balanced lunch out of half of a grilled chicken breast, half of a serving of green beans and 3 bites of a dessert at Board of Directors meeting. Because you swore you read that they provided childcare at this meeting, but you were wrong. Spend other “fine dining” experience chasing little one and shushing.
Snack: Reminiscing about those missed bites of dessert all afternoon.
Exercise: Walk to park.
Snack: Soccer treat day: Eat only one fruit snack pack and 3 mini Goldfish packs before doling out to kids. Feel like epic self-disciplined goddess.
Dinner: Dinosaur chicken nuggets for everyone! Mac and cheese on the house!
Exercise: Trying to fit into last year’s shorts. Sweating, swearing.
Breakfast: Donuts with Dad, so luxurious early a.m. omelet, alone before toddler wakes up.
Green tea because you are a Healthy Lady.
Lunch: Leftover snubbed vegetables from last night’s dinner.
Kid-sized applesauce for snack. Time to run to the store. Again.
Dinner: Netflix, popcorn, pizza and night.
Exercise: Trying to calm the loud tantrums coming from your cart at the store.
Day 18: (Almost there!)
Breakfast: Coffee. Forget to eat breakfast due to epic meltdown about shoelaces and walking to school.
Lunch: Chick Fil A – one third portion of a salad since your toddler is apparently going through a growth spurt.
Snack: Coffee. Three jelly beans shared with you from daughter’s school event.
Dinner: Meatloaf, cornbread, and green beans. Because you finally got it together, did the dishes and went to the store.
Breakfast: Coffee. Green Tea. A handful of vitamins chugged down with OJ. Oatmeal. With chocolate. Because you are an adult and can make those sorts of decisions.
Snack: An apple with three bites taken out of it. Coffee cake.
Lunch: Leftover soup that didn’t have the goldfish on top of it.
Snack: A Ho-Ho from the Ho-Ho stash that no one knows about. Yet.
Dinner: Pizza and exhaustion.
Breakfast: Healthy quiche because you got up early. And alone. Also because no one had an early a.m. game and/or practice today.
Lunch: Chili’s of course. And half eaten portions of kid’s menu broccoli, rice and mashed potatoes.
Soccer treat day: Eat only one fruit snack pack and 3 mini Goldfish packs before doling out to kids. Feel like epic self-disciplined goddess.
Dinner: Steak, wine and peace. Make note to love husband the rest of your life.
Day 21: (Hooray! You made it!)
Breakfast: Half a cold coffee and fruit roll-up in the car. Ain’t no one got time for a peaceful breakfast when everyone has to look nice AND be ready at the same time for church.
Lunch: Drive-thru tacos and relief.
Snack: Chips. Everyone’s asleep and no one can hear you. Or bother you.
Dinner: Half of a piece of supposedly “perfect” fried chicken. Recipe fail.
Late night snack: half of a pizza. Since you are still hungry from the earlier fail and need to go to the store again.
Net weight gain/loss: Lose 4lbs
Congratulations! You did it for 21 days! You should feel recharged and ready for the pool. If you’ve followed the diet faithfully, you should see something similar to these results:
Net loss: 0 lbs.
Net gain: 0 lbs.
Back to original weight!
See how easy it is to maintaining your weight for 21 days?! Hooray for you!
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